The rules of engagement when it comes to the workplace and the lunch bag for work are complicated and numerous. But fear not! This article (that's mostly pictures) will help guide you through this deceptively simple, yet endlessly perilous daily ritual.
But first: note this article is specifically for women and men with lunch bags for work or who are contemplating the purchase of such a bag. If you don't currently assemble an assortment of food items at home and bring them to your place of work in a helpful sack (and opt to eat out for lunch instead) then I encourage you to start packing lunch at least once per week. You'll be healthier, richer, and a good global citizen to boot! You don't need to buy a lunch bag for work—you can make one or repurpose a grocery tote. But if you are in the market, ours are all things wonderful.
Once you do have a lunch bag for work though, take heed of the following rules, lest you stray from the path of social expectation and become ostracized from society.
1. The sanctity of the hour between the times of 12pm to 1pm is inviolate. Thou shalt never skippeth lunch time.
2. Requesting the companionship of another for the hour of lunch is tradition steeped with nuance. The following are some of the acceptable and unacceptable methods to employ in the courtship process.
✅ Permissively: the most respectful and traditional method.
✅Assertively: asking in this manner is highly effective, and tends to engender a feeling of respect, and perhaps even a touch of fear in your coworkers.
✅ Aggressively: this particular approach has the highest rate of success because it provides the illusion choice, when, in reality, only the affirmative will suffice.
❌ Passive aggressively: This is the easiest way to propose proximate food consumption to a peer. However it also lacks backbone and should be avoided. The easy path and the right path are seldom synonymous.
✅ Spontaneously: The allure of shock and mystery is quite compelling given the correct amount of tact. This method is not for beginner's though.
❌ Dramatically: Shakespearean performances should remain in the theatre. And desperation is a perfume guaranteed to arouse rejection.
3. If a stranger on the street compliments you on your work lunch bag, then you are required by age old custom to give them a bite of your sandwich.
4. If you forget your lunch. You are not entitled to someone else's. Lunch thievery is a crime of the highest order.
5. Protect thy vibe: if someone complains about being broke but buys lunch everyday, give them a wide berth lest they contaminate you with their lame laments.
6. If you and your lunch time companions encounter another group of colleagues consuming lunch, then you must battle. The losing group hands over their lunchables so that the victors eat whilst the losers weep.
7. There is a special place in hell reserved for people who don't clean up after their own messes in the lunch room, and incorrigible souls who make loud 'ssst ahhh' sounds after small sippies of their drink.
Now you are well on your way towards becoming a lunch bag toting force to be reckoned with. Armed with this knowledge, your colleagues are sure to admire you, and it will come as no surprise when your name frequently comes up in the same sentences as "promotion" and "gigantic salary raise."
If you have yet to procure a lunch bag for work, then you should click here next.